I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
