I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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