TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize