Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
