Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
