Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Randomize
