I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I just heard a girl say "We can't go that way, it is a one way street." She was on foot...Nothing worse than girl from the midwest that move to NY to "live out their dream" -the dream of living in a rat and roach infested 200sqft for $2k a month, and get fucked by some recent Ithaca college frat grad...
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Randomize
