Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
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