Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
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