Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
