2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
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