I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
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