My cat gives me a boner
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
