he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
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