1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Randomize
