My boss' voice literally gives me gas
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
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