At least make sure they are 18
Why
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
