Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
