He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
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