You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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