She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Randomize
