I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
