i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
