You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Someone came in the potted fern
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
