Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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