I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
