forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
