I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
Randomize
