I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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