There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
So gin and wine won't be happening again
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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