my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
