Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
