my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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