I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
