The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
