my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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