I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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