Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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