Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
