Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Cover your peen. We're going out.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Randomize
