Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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