hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
