I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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