I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
