he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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