Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
You can't just leave with hair like that
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
