can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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