i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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