Non-Jews are for practice
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize