he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
MIDGETS
????
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
