I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Do vagina's smell?
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Randomize
