There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Randomize
