ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Randomize