omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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