I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
