I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
