So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
