She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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