Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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