yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
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