I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
