Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
