Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
