Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
