I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
Randomize
