he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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