the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Randomize
