Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
