I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
